Bye Bye Bob, Dave
2005-08-19, 3:18 a.m.

It's funny how the dawning of a new Era stirrs up memories of the past...
Stepping foot into the unknown abyss of college seems so daunting that there are points where you want to turn back to what you know, what you love, what you are comfortable with. It seems that through all tribulations and walks of life, a person looks for one thing... Comfort. Comfort in those one loves, comfort in an occupation one enjoys, comfort in a hobby one desires to persue. Comfort is, well... Comfortable.
I am cofortable where I am.
I am comfortable in a life that I have enjoyed for close to 3 years now. I know that I have had trouble along the way. I know that I have lost friends along the way. I know that i have made many mistakes that I can never take back. But where i have landed and where i remain is comfortable. I love my family and i love my friends and i love my hobby/obsession (golf...). I applaud myself for the extraordinary job I have done to surround myself with extraordinary people. I thank those extraordinary people for being close to me.
But now, extraordinary people, it is time that me move on to form our own extraordinary lives. This is the point at which we disperse. The point that our comfort fractures. We must become uncomfortable in order to become the people we will be tomorrow. In leaving ourselves vulnerable to others and taking the ultimate risk of befriending total strangers, we set the cornerstones of the structures that become our adult lives. Thats another frightening term, when you think about it... adult. adult lives.

So back to memories of the past... Basically realizations of the past.
I cried tonight for the first time since Kairos.
I cried tonight for the first time since Kairos.
I cried tonight because for nearly a year, I forced myself not to feel. I realized this tonight. Things don't get to me as much as they used to because i rationalize them away. I understand that i shouldn't get mad about certain things, so I force myself not to. It works for me. I have become a much tamer person in terms of my temper. I don't get rediculously pissed about things anymore unless they severely warrant such feelings.
This remedy for a disgruntled general attitude, however, comes with side effects. If one cannot feel the extreme downs of life, one must also sacrifice the extreme highs, and one must also sacrifice the extreme lows of feeling for others. I forgot how to care... on an extreme level, at least. I figured everything would be allright in the end and that was sufficient rationalization for me.
Worst of all, though, Worse than any other symptom or side-effect of my cure-all, was the fact that i forgot how to love... properly, at least. I gave the short end of myself to all of my friends and family, and worst of all, Kim.
I am ashamed of myself for the way I have treated her this past year. I have been afraid to love her the way that I truly feel that I should. That is all that I feel comfortable inscribing in my diary without speaking to her myself first.
Essentially, my friends, I extend to all of you an apology, a wish of good luck for the future, and a promise.
A promise that I will try my best to rid myself of my "cure-all." I'll take the bad with the good any day of the week.

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